What Is Funtional Family Verses What Is A Dysfunctional Family

We often hear on television and other media sources that all families are Dysfunctional. This is simply not true. Certainly at time individuals of a family may display a Dysfunctional Behavior, but it is not the norm. In a Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Behavior is the norm. It is very important to educate yourself on what a Functional Family is and how it operates as well as how a Dysfunctional Family operates.

Dysfunctional Families, it is ever so easy to become confused as to were your family falls within the dysfunctional types that exist. Many dysfunctional families fit into several categories of Dysfunctional Behaviors or even cross over gray areas making it difficult to ascertain the exact type of Dysfunction a family suffers from. Many individuals start out by studying deeply into what Dysfunctional Families Are. Georgia Advocacy Council believes it is important to first realize what a Functional Family is and how it operates, and then compare the two. By understanding what a Functional Family is and how it operates one can more easily see the abusive patterns and traits of the Dysfunctional Family. The biggest mistake many parents make is not validating their children.

A LOOK AT FUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

The manner in which parents raise their children instills in them certain characteristics, patterns, and belief systems. Naturally the child will feel these to be normal. In the Dysfunctional Family or Home the children are in most every case isolated. This is one of the common traits in Dysfunction. Dysfunctional Families isolate their children. They have little contact with the outside world with the exception of school and perhaps church. Church and school simply does not provide the patterns, characteristics and beliefs that one obtains with normal interaction with the outside world.
In all Dysfunctional Families, children are isolated from their parents physically or emotionally. Children who are isolated from their parents or the rest of the world grow up confused, thinking the patterns they see their parents displayed are normal, when in fact they are not. Without interaction in a normal fashion the child will only develop and learn patterns they see their parent display.

If a child grows up in a home where the parents are fighting and screaming all the time the child will naturally assume that is normal behavior, and that all parent act in the same manner. If the father is physically, verbally or sexually abusive the child has no basis to think that a fathers behavior should be otherwise. If the mother is verbally, sexually or physically abusive the same applies. The child will assume this is natural behavior. Sadly in these cases the abusive parent also feel this is natural behavior. The parents themselves learned this behavior from their parents. They learned all the y patterns they display from the environment in which they grew up in, and by the parents who raised them.

It takes an extraordinary person to identify the Dysfunctional Behaviors in the home without outside intervention or education. That it is why it is so very important to educate people on these Dysfunctional Patterns, and how to recognize them. This is a must if an individual is to break the cycle as this is a generational malady. In order to break this cycle it is critical that the person learn how a Functional Family operates, and behaves.

In a functional family unit there is an underlying cohesiveness that is constant. It is normal that functional families will have disagreements or experience disruption that upsets the balance within the unit. For the most part, the family unit will utilize the strength of core values such as love and mutual respect, to correct itself within a short period of time. "Within the functional family system there is an overall sense of love, happiness and peace that runs through the family unit. Members of the Functional Family enjoy their family even in the midst of adversities.

In the functional family the parents take an active role in nourishing and leading the family unit. They are not just casual participants. There is no role reversal. The child does not become the parent and the parents do not act like children. In a functional family the parents are role models. They are the teachers and leaders of the family unit. They teach their children healthy life skills and support these life skills by leading by example. They further encourage honest and open communication, and provide intimacy within the family. Functional parents are constantly aware of their behavior and how it impact the rest of the family. Functional parents will make decision and take actions that will strengthen the family, and not tear it down or break down the cohesiveness of their strong bond.

Every person with a soul has needs. In the Functional Family the needs of every member are met to the best of the family units ability. In the Functional Family there is little criticism, and its members are non-judgmental. Every person in the family unit has the right to offer opinions, and they are taken seriously. Children who are respected, and taught good values can normally be reasoned with. Functional parents will listen to the child’s concerns and respond in a positive manner. Engaging in open-minded, and civil discussions, the family is able to negotiate changes that meet the needs of all it's members.

Each person in the family is a unique individual with a variety of interests. Not everyone will display the same interests or talents. Each member of the family should be valued as an individual and not forced to conform to each otter’s demands. Parents should love each child as a unique individual and allow them to express themselves without condemning them. Everyone in the family should learn from each other and grow together, yet retain their own identity. No one should feel isolated or smothered. In a functional family there is a strong bond between all members of the family without feeling overly protected.

"Families are systems. Picture the insides of a clock. When the gears are working, as they should, they are functional. The same holds true for families."

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

A child that grows up in a dysfunctional family experiences pain and trauma from their parents actions, words, and attitudes. Due to this trauma, they grow up changed, different from other children, missing important parts of necessary parenting that prepare them for adulthood. Dysfunctional families display a wide range of characteristics that cause them to be non-functioning. Once you identify the specific dysfunctional patterns of your childhood and the impact it had on your development, you can consciously work toward changing your way of thinking and eventually your own actions.

A child is born innocent and grows up to be a product of their parents input. If a parent does not actively provide a loving, nurturing, and morally cohesive family environment the child will naturally learn from watching the actions, words, and attitudes of the parent. Typical actions of the abusive parent include minimizing, projecting, denying, aggressiveness, physical abuse, sexual abuse, manipulation to name a few. Any combination of these Dysfunctional parenting strategies will cause codependency in the child as an adult. Children raised with these strategies will typically have Dysfunctional Relationships as adults.

Minimizing is when a parent identifies that there is a problem, but acts as if your emotional response to the problem is unjustified, leaving the child to feel unworthy of their concerns. An example of this would be if a child says to their parent, "I don't have any friends because we are always moving and I never get a chance to really know anyone." The minimizing parent might respond by saying, "You're exaggerating, I'm sure you will make friends. It's no big deal." Minimizing is so passive that most parents don't even realize they are doing it, but it leaves a huge impact on the child who feels invalidated.

Projection is when someone takes their inner feelings and attaches them to another person. Parents often do this with expectations for their children. They will project their personal wishes and desires onto their children and then become disappointed when the child doesn't live up to them. Projection can also occur when a person feels negatively about themselves or something they have done and then expects another person to act the same way based on their own internal image. This is a complicated strategy to explain, so I will use this short parable to get my point across.

A mother, when she was younger, got pregnant at an early age. Because abortion wasn't an option at the time, the mother was forced to give the baby up for adoption because she wasn't responsible or stable enough to keep the baby and take care of it. The mother kept this secret for many years, never telling anyone and hiding her shame. Time passed and the mother grew older, married and had 2 more children which she kept and cared for. One of her children was a daughter. The daughter grew up and also married, then became pregnant with a child. When the marriage didn't work, the daughter asked if she could move back home so she would have time to get back on her feet, get a job and support her child on her own. The mother said no because she thought the daughter was unstable and was afraid she might run off leaving her to care for an unwanted baby. This couldn't have been farther from the truth, as the baby meant the world to the daughter. The mother was projecting her own shortcomings onto the daughter without validity. She did this because of the inner feelings she had about herself.

Denial is when a person refuses to admit there is a problem. Denial is a classic form of aversion. When a parent denies there is a problem, the problem never gets addressed and therefore never resolved. In denial, the abuser disallows and overrules and viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.

"Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressive behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance." An example of this would be if a child attempts to confront the parent about something that made them feel bad and the adult replies, "Shut the #@$% up, that's stupid. Get the hell out of my face." Or if the child asks the parent for advice and the parent replies, "You can't possibly be that stupid." then laughs at the child.

There are more forms of abusive dysfunctional behaviors to include dominating, blackmailing, verbally and physically assaulting, and many others that I haven't even addressed. I tried to pinpoint several of the most commonly unidentified behaviors that are more typical and less severe. Physically and verbally abusive dysfunctional styles are more obvious and complicated to deal with. Anyone who has experienced a more aggressive form of abuse probably needs to speak with a professional to resolve their issues. My intention is to enlighten those who come from milder forms of bad parenting or invalidation. With a little recognition and change in behavior and attitude you can overcome the patterns you learned as a child. With a new awareness of family functionality and positive parenting that is being pushed in society today, it is becoming increasingly easier for educated people to break the patterns of their mildly dysfunctional families of the past and move on with a more functional family of their own.